I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
