I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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