mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
