Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
