and you said cock pushups were impossible
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
