Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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