Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
