omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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