After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
