Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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