My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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