do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
