My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
