So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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