two words: eviction party
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
