Your face is a jimmy john
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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