Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
