coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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