I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
