So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
