You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Never underestimate the power of titties
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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