I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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