Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
