I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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