so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
