I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
