chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
