Old men and throwing up are my life now.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
