New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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