between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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