you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
