my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
