the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
