Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
