i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I forget how to act sober
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