It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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