my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
