hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
