There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
