You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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