PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
