His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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