Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
