Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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