she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
