apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
