finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
