Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
