i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
