He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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